JOLLY!!!

I’m freezing from the cold. The wind is blowing from everywhere into this damned train I took, stupid me. Yeah right, the missing rain! Oh come on, pour down you bloody rain, come on pour inside, wetting the seats, don’t ever ask if you can! The fucking train moves like a turtles!
Right to Vlora! Just a six hours’ trip, well I guess.
Interesting wagon this one! There are eight compartments, two seats each.
I am sharing the wagon with a couple of rough peasants accompanied by their rough daughter (although I must confess, I saw her with a different eye). Two ugly girls traveling with their grandma are laughing and tittering continuously. With their ugly teeth and their mole skin… they seem… just ageless. That’s what they are!
And then, there is another couple, far from being important ‘coz it’s their little girl that draws my attention. She must be only 2-3 years old. Lovely child! She reflects light from every single pore! Just like a few people do, Sharon Stone or Meg Ryan maybe, blonde hair, dark blue eyes (nobility sign), white-marble skin. I loved her immediately, for her sunny smile. What a lively kid, full of life, full of energy, full of warmth. It feels like she’s shaking this beloved gloom out of me. I just want to kneel in front of her, play with her, make her laugh unceasingly.
I want to play sitting down in front of her. I want to jump, to crush, to walk, to fall down, I want to get hurt.
Cry!
And I want everybody to jump immediately, to save me from the certain death caused by a scratch in the knee!
But…nobody gives a damn ‘bout me! No one! Well I guess they like to see me suffering!
Anyway I feeling real good in these victims’ shoes I’m wearing. Yeah it’s beating me down but I like it.
Even after all, what do I care about this wagon full of Van Gogh-eon faces and colors, peasants in red, green, pink and yellow clothes?
Oh but I have got a million problems inside my head, problems of all the existent range of troubles on earth.
I am terribly bored, stressed, hit, hurt, scratched, and gloomy!
I can’t get along any other second in this black and gray life of mine! Just like today, a gray day of clouds and rain.
Here I put the “STOP” sign!
I took the train, not any other vehicle because I just wanted to extend the time of the journey and so I took of to Vlora. It’s where I always go when I am loaded and I turn back stronger. Maybe it’s because of the climate. No! If I was to live in Vlora I would surely go… to Durres. No doubt! The farther, the better! And there must be sea too.
This fucking rain doesn’t seem to stop. As if the cold is not enough! I can’t stop pulling up the lapels and pushing down the jacket. I am freezing, but I kina like this cringing inside my jacket. The rain is becoming quieter, warmer and gentle. It is talking to me, inviting me in a sweet, melancholic waltz. Damned rain, look you made me more melancholic than I already was! Right now I miss watching cartoons. I want to watch Ken Shiro and I want to fight with other kids just like he does (this stupid guy here is starting to weep. He always does it, but he is a man, closed his eyes and swallowed up the tears).
Still laughers! Bah, if only I could belabor this wild animals. They just keep laughing in their ignorance, their banality!
Hmm! The engaged girl is really cute. Nice shapes. Plumb thighs! Boobies… a whole river of hair! Fleshy lips! She’ll be just fine with only some aesthetic treatment! Cutie! Not like those sallow, gangling, metropolitan girls with tons of make up on their face
Look at him, his welded face! Now he’s leering at me! Like I was going to eat way his wife! Oh but you don’t know a fuck about troubles! You’ve hardly seen a woman in your life! And now you’re going to be married! And so you’re going to drink form the holy chalice!
Another laugher! Miracle! The little girl is laughing. A childish laugher is equal to a newborn fairy, right Peter Pan? Ha ha ha!
I can imagine my own baby; it would be just like her. I’d love her threefold! Captious angel!
We’re still in the dark? Ahh the tunnel, right!
Last thing I saw, the baby’s dark blue eyes…
…I didn’t quite realize what it was, what happened during those two minutes that we were inside the tunnel. What was that prolonged scream, a laugher or a cry? In the dark! Something happened out there! Everybody heard it, not only me! They’re all thunders-trucked! And they are looking at me, why?
Whoever cried-laughed, the little girl, perhaps? No, she’s still laughing. Or was it me? Wet eyed? Uhh, look there’s the sun!
Joker! No one had ever cried or laughed. It was it, himself! Jolly! Born from a glass of Rakia, a puff of flute, a strike of drum! Born form a man’s cry! The God of laugher! He has been laughing in the tunnel, being born from my welters. Just like Jesus gave up his life and blood, nailed on the cross to wash away people’s sins, he gives away his breath, his laugher to take off people’s entire problem.
Everything is solved with a laugher. Problems, if you want to escape them, if you want to face them, if you want to figure them out?
Hahahaha! What a stupidity! Do you have any time? Do you have enough time to solve your problems? You’ll be long dead by tomorrow, you ignorant of your time. Today! Today is your day! Today is the laugher day! LAUGH! What will you remember after life? Problems, tears, pain? You really think you can figure it out?
Hahahhahaha! Hahahhahaha! You’ll only remember the child’s laugher, on the hundredth of second, when the train will crush and you’ll no longer exist.
Laugh, laugh, just laugh and you won’t feel anything. This is Jolly’s song, the God of the man in need. The only God people should have. God!
Someone whispered in my ear something, as his fingertips stole away the heavy box full of ribbons of melancholy, which I held within my heart. He sang to me, a tune I don’t remember.
Hahaha! What are all these bullshits I think and do! Shame on me! What’s the matter with me anyway? I was behaving just like e crybaby, like a girl cheated for the very first time! Screw you up!
I am going to tear up everything that I’ve been writing! Here it is! I tore them up! I’m going to throw every piece of paper from the window.
My little bunny finds it really funny, the way I throw my papers away! Look, she’s laughing! Probably the pieces of paper look like butterflies to her.
Where the hell am I going? What the fuck am I to do in the south? It’s still winter, there’s no beach you stupid! I’ll get off the very next station and turn back home.
Till then… girls would you play cards?!
Hahahaha!

perktheu: M. Gjoncaj